Mrs. Spikey Spider by Janessa Lawyer Moore

Mrs. Spikey Spider


Okay, I admit it. I'm scared of spiders. I don't have a fear of spiders, I have a FEAR of them. But the terror one feels at the thought, or even site of a spider is nothing compared to the terror one can inflict on others when a great struggle between man and beast ensues.

Hurricane Frances was approaching slowly and painfully. The storm had occupied every waking thought for most of the residents of Florida for nearly a week and it was the day before landfall was scheduled (the first time - she took an extra day getting here). We'd done all the regular hurricane preparations: put the shutters up on the windows, bought some candles and flashlights, after a small brawl bought the last package of toilet paper at Wal Mart, and roughly 86 gallons of water (which, I've heard, is Florida tradition). We'd also done the obligatory store-hopping, which is also apparently traditional, because all the other Floridians were doing the same thing at the same time. Stressful is too bland a word to describe the conditions in Andrew-country when a large hurricane is approaching. It might not be the hurricane that causes post traumatic stress disorder after a hurricane. It just might be trying to buy D batteries and plywood that causes it. Someone should do a study.

Evening rolled around and it was supper time. The kids were hungry, and since I'd not delivered on my offer of McDonald's for breakfast, I decided to go get McDonald's for supper. It was hot and breezy, a typical tropical day. I hopped in our van and drove to the local McD's. The line wasn't too long, for which I was grateful: the fewer the customers, the greater the mathematical odds that they will be able to fill your order correctly. If you go when it is really busy, your odds of getting your double cheese burgers plain and your Quarter Pounder with Cheese without onions or pickles is roughly the same as being able to find D batteries at the stores on the days leading up to a hurricane in South Florida.

I was sitting in the van with the windows rolled down, chatting with my two year old daughter and enjoying the cross-wind. I felt something on my shoulder and turned my head to see a creature that I couldn't fathom with my mind, it was so frightening, but by instinct knew it was a spider. I felt the sting as it bit me, and simultaneously, I lost my mind. I think it is sheer luck that I'd gone to the bathroom before I left for McD's, or I would have lost control of my bladder as well. The spider, a Florida Jeweled Spider, was a black spider with a white oval crown about an inch across with red SPIKES coming off of it in a sunburst pattern. I can tell you this now, because I did the research on the Internet when I got home, so that I could identify it. Prior to that, in my mind, it looked something like a miniature version of the creature from Alien, only with red spikes, so sure was I that it must have been an alien creature that bit me.

I screamed. It seemed a natural reaction to having such a scary-looking thing somewhere upon my person! I screamed a LOT. Jumping out of my skin would have been my first choice, but the laws of physics continued to apply, so I merely jumped as hard as I could. Unfortunately, I was belted in, and the jumping pushed me so forcefully into my seatbelt that I was unable to unhook it. Now, while all this is happening, the shrieking and the jumping, my foot became disengaged from the break pedal, where it had previously been very effectively inhibiting my van's progress forward in the line. Suddenly there was something else doing that job just as effectively: a white Lincoln Navigator. Something managed to click in the rational and reason center of my brain that had enough power to stick my foot back on the break pedal and take my hand and use it to apply the parking break. Then I had to consciously choose to move back toward the spider, hanging in the window from a silk thread. That was a true testament to the power of will over the power of gut-instinct-run-amok! I was then able to unlatch my seatbelt. I reached in the floor of the van and grabbed a bottle of water and chunked it at the hanging spider. My screaming had softened to a mere holler. I finally managed to dislodge the spider from its thread and send it flying, Gene-Wilder-like: straddling a water-bottle-cum-rocket (okay, for those who haven't had Latin, that is COOM, and it means WITH or ALSO as in graduating magna cum laud, or graduating with great distinction - this means that the bottle also contains the properties of a rocket - it is not a sexual toy water bottle).

I looked up, realizing that I'd actually hit the person in front of me. I got out of the passenger side of the van and asked the woman if she was okay. She assured me that she was, so I went to get my insurance information for her. Both our vehicles appeared to be fine. Scanning the area of the driver's side door for Mrs. Spikey Spider, I got back in the van. I pull out my wallet and look up:

There, in the take-out window of McDonald's I can see quite possibly every single employee working in the store, crammed about 6 deep into the four foot by four foot square area. They're craning their necks to see the woman who was shrieking and screaming and fighting the unseen attacker in her car. One of them leans out of the window (it is entirely possible that she was forced out the window by the sea of humanity pressing at her back, attempting to observe the spectacle) and kindly asks, "ARE YOU OKAY!?"

"Yes, I am. It was....," I hesitate because I know how this is going to sound, "...it was...a spider. It bit me." I had to explain that it bit me, because if it had just sat there and looked at me my behavior would seem so much less reasonable...right?

The woman I hit appeared at my door, "Are you all right?" She was a little concerned, obviously, so I explained, "It was a spider. It bit me." And there it was: the look. It wasn't a compassionate look, to be sure. It was the look I knew I would be getting from my husband, but at least I was prepared for what he'd think. No, I couldn't escape it with this woman.

"A spider?" She was obviously astonished.

"Yes, the freakiest looking spider I've ever seen. And it bit me!" See, if I hammer home this point it will eventually make my behavior less....well, just less.

"I thought you were being attacked." And the look deepened. As did, I'm sure, her certainty that I am a complete nutter. Stark raving mad. "I rolled up my window because I thought you were being attacked."

I tried to explain, "I've got a phobia of spiders." But with the words out of my mouth, I realize it didn't do much to convince her of the absolute sanity of my actions. There was no impressing her, though. She was pretty certain I'd gone round the bend.

She reassured me that she wasn't worried about the car. I guess she was becoming more and more concerned about the mental stability of the woman who hit her and didn't want to set me off. Who knows what I might do if provoked! After all, you should have seen what happened to Mrs. Spikey Spider. She quickly took my personal information and beat a hasty retreat.

My daughter, who had witnessed the whole event, was insistently repeating herself, "W'happened, Mamma?"

"Mommy got bit by a spider, Julia."

But it must not have quite registered with her two-year-old mind, and instead of thinking 'spider', she thought 'specks of dirt': when she took her bath that night she expressed a sudden fear of the dirt in the bathtub. As irritated as this made my husband, it couldn't compare to the crushing guilt I felt at knowing that I may have just passed on a generational curse:

Fear of small dark-colored specks.

My mom has no love for bug-like creatures, nor my brother. I loved them until the day my mother screamed her head off at me for having a caterpillar crawling on my hand. I threw the fuzzy little guy into the wall and have had terrible fear of all things crawly ever since (I don't imagine it was anything less than utterly traumatizing for the little caterpiller either). We're hoping that being two, my daughter will have time to overcome her fear of dirt specks, as life will be so full of them. Dirt specks, that is. Hopefully not fears.

The van. A few minutes after Navigator lady hurriedly pulled away from the McDonald's I had to go through the humiliation of actually pulling up to the window and paying for my food. I tried to smile and hide my face at the same time. It had roughly the same effect explaining that I was simply phobic of spiders: it served to make me look loonier. While waiting for my 20 piece nuggets the van began to smoke. Now, we were going to trade it in possibly that very weekend for a brand new minivan with a dvd player and sliding driver's side door and no spiders (yes, that is standard). But now I'm looking at the radiator over-boiling and realizing that its value is decreasing in inverse proportions to the cost of my hurricane insurance premiums. The people who work in the McDonald's are watching me out the take-out window again. I'm pacing around my van, trying to ignore them. Hoping and praying they don't try to call somebody.

I call my insurance agent and get a 24-hour help line. I tell the lady what happened and when I start crying again, she is amazingly sympathetic. Something tells me she hates spiders too. Maybe I should call her back and we could start a club. My hubby shows up and rescues the day. We drive the kids home (only to discover our daughter is now afraid of dirt specks in the bathwater and hurricane Frances is delayed - apparently someone explained to him that if you're flying into Miami it is traditional to be delayed).

I'm okay. Mrs. Spiky Spider didn't make me sick. She was harmless. Except to all the frightened people around me who found themselves suddenly in the midst of a science fiction movie where a woman is attacked in her van by a terrible, unseen force. She vanquished the evil with a water bottle and still managed to pick up her order! Crazy? Like a fox!
Posted on 12:18 PM by Esquire-Nizzle and filed under | 3 Comments »

Shorts anyone?



So, I have connected with a friend from High School and we were talking about our various writings. Come to find out.....She kicks ass! I want to, in the next few days, give you a little taste of Janessa Moore (PBHS Alums will remember her as Janessa Lawyer). If you would like to see more of her Humor, click here.

BEEP!
October 11, 2004 (Happy Birthday Sam!)

Some online friends of mine have been having fun with me about a story I told them a while back. Oftentimes, when I come online they beep at me. It has to do with a story I told them a while back.

A few years ago, somebody started calling me on the phone and beeping at me. I haven’t a clue as to who it is, but they’ve followed me to three different houses, in two different states. Not even caller ID has given me an idea what this mysterious beeping is. Initially I figured it for a fax machine, but I’ve tried letting my fax machine answer and it is just too annoying for all the human callers I get (about 99.9% of all the telephone calls I get are from actual people; well that is if you generously count telemarketers as human beings and not 6-limbed aliens – for faster dialing, you see - from a commerce planet bent on domination of Earth through starvation of all mankind by making strategic telephone calls at dinner hour). So I scrubbed the fax machine idea. The non-alien callers were appreciative. They don’t like getting beeped at any more than I do.

The mystery of the beeping caller has gone on for about 6 years. Every three to six months, sometimes several times in a day, I get a rash of these calls where I answer the phone:

“Hello?”

“BEEP!”

“*sigh*” and I hang up. The beep has been known to leave messages on my answering machine, as well:

“You have 62 new messages…message 1: BEEP!…message 2: BEEP!….”

I explained this odd occurrence to some of my online friends. The general rule for chat room behavior where I like to spend some of my free time (free as in “stolen from my children and husband – costing me a proportionate amount of time spent dealing with behavioral and neglected feelings issues as time spent talking to friends and strangers whose faces I’ve never seen) is: 1) be as cheeky as humanly possible on a regular basis and 2) have more fun in your room than they do in the other guy’s room. Not really bad rules, as they translate into competitive good-times for everyone. I stay away from the more adult chat rooms. Very little conversation of any value occurs there. But science fiction fans tend to be a jocular bunch, so we congregate and spout off as much as possible. It is good for releasing the tensions and stresses of RL (netspeak for real life).

Our banter led us down the corridors of this story one evening and they decided to assign my sub-nick (sort of a second nick name) as such: BEEP! And now the common belief is held among a certain group of people that I am actually a government-programmed assassin. The phone calls are actually my handlers calling to activate me and now whenever someone BEEPS at me online it is expected that I will take up arms, stealthy arms, and seek out someone to eliminate.

Today it was my neighbors across the street. They are playing the car stereos again. To quote from a favorite columnist of mine: they were going boom boom boom in my ear in a very honky tonk fashion (quite possibly the funniest quote I've ever read). I understand that there is something very desirable in most cultures about having the biggest, loudest, and shiniest of anything. The family across the street from me is very popular among those who drive colorful and loud cars. I don’t mean loud-looking, although that applies (metallic chartreuse with fuscia for a car color…just…um…wow). I mean loud enough to rattle my concrete house so violently that the lighting fixture over the kitchen table dances to hip-hop. It’s actually quite talented. Perhaps I should enter it into that Dance 360 show competition. Surely there is a reality show out there somewhere for lighting fixtures looking to make it big in pop stardom. All kinds of lamps, track lighting, and chandeliers doing their weekly turn in front of millions of screaming fans who call in to vote for the jiggliest of the bunch. Lighting Idol.

I digress. The point is, someone BEEPS and I then grab my weapon and take out the family across the street for making my kitchen light break dance. It all sounds terribly amusing. It’s just a little imaginative play, right?

Until you take into account that their car stereos tend to wake up my sleeping toddler on a semi-regular basis. Have you ever lived with a toddler? Do you have any idea how a mother yearns for naptime? Unfortunately, instead of naptime becoming a time when mom relaxes, it becomes the time when mom obsessively tries to keep all noise from reaching the sensitive ears of her sleeping child, in theory buying her an hour or two of time to do something besides change diapers and clean up smears of peanut butter off the television…or the drapes….or the cottage cheese ceiling (yes, its happened. Don’t ask me how because I haven’t a clue.) And when you are the parent of children older than said sleeping child it becomes something that goes a little like this:

“Son, what are you doing?”

“Going to the bathroom.”

“Are your feet actually touching the floor!?” (whispered in maniacal fear)

“Well…um….yes, mom.” He gets that look that says ‘this isn’t going to be good for me.’

“Do you realize that your sister is sleeping?! Can’t you do that without your feet actually touching the floor? They make so much noise!”

He thinks for a minute, eyes up and to the right obviously trying to find a way to avoid what comes next. “I can’t.” He begins to lean from one foot to the other, doing the ‘I really gotta go, can we hurry this along’ dance.

“Okay…just be quiet!” She winces as he tiptoes hurriedly to the bathroom.

A few moments later you hear the flush.

“Son!” Mom whispers, about to come complete unglued as she flies to the door of the bathroom. “What do you think you are doing!?”

“I was going to the bathroom.” His look says, ‘We just went over this.’ He really is a bright boy. (His mom is a figgin’ genius, but he’ll not learn that until he is a middle-aged man because the stresses of raising four children DO THINGS to a woman’s mind.)

“I know that. I’m talking about all that noise! What was that noise for?” She takes him by the arm and sweeps him out of the bathroom (which is unfortunately located directly across the hall from the sleeping child’s room) his feet never touch the floor.

“You mean the flush? You told me I have to flush!”

She’s caught now. There is no way out of this one. Of course she told him to flush. They weren’t doing it and it started getting quite scary in their bathroom, untold number of “uses” started to float a distinct and unsavory odor through the house. They were actually starting to flush regularly and now she stood on the brink: contradict herself and possibly keep her precious sleeping child ASLEEP, or enforce the more rational rule and look like she’d gone ‘round the bend to her 8 year old child (she really didn’t want to consider that she already very much appeared that way to her child, as anyone would except other mothers who have been through this daily dance). “You’re right. You have to flush. It is just so loud and you’re sister is sleeping.”

“Yes ma’am.” He now has the ‘I really want to get away from this crazy woman’ look.

“Okay? So just try to be quiet, PLEASE???” And he is gone. Mom glances furtively at the baby’s bedroom door, and not hearing any cries for release from her crib, she tentatively returns to her computer for a little “me-time” in the chat room.

About that time the people across the street decide to grace the entire neighborhood with their current musical selection and the whole house is literally rockin’. The baby wakes. Naptime is OH-SO-OVER!

In that moment, the idea of the BEEP! and getting activated and having a target and eliminating a true threat to the peace becomes a very attractive concept. Very attractive, indeed.

BEEEP!
Posted on 12:04 PM by Esquire-Nizzle and filed under | 1 Comments »

It has been too long and for that I say....."SUCK IT!"

epic fail pictures


I want to start off by saying I apologize to all of you that have read my blogs so faithfully over the past few months. School has begun and is pretty hectic at this point in time. I promise to start more writing as soon as my bullshit research paper is completed. Until then, enjoy these links......

My Homeboy raised to the Third Power, Angry Patrick.

I sadly idolized this dude as a pre-teen.....

Mario Lopez puts the final nail in the coffin of his heterosexuality by donning women's lingerie.

That guy from Gossip Girl has a tattoo so gay, it would make Elton John shit a rainbow.

Also, please be sure to read the attached disclaimer........

.....By sending me hate mail, you acknowledge that I own all rights to the entire contents of your message, any images sent with the message, your email address, your house, your car, your first born and your soul. Furthermore, you agree to make your email address publicly available on this or any other web site, and you accept my views and opinions as being right regardless of anything. Furthermore, you agree that it is okay for me or anyone else to slander and/or libel you on this or any other web site, in public, at your place of employment, or anywhere else in this or any other universe and/or dimension. Know that sending me hate mail is a request for character defamation, endless belittling and excessive mockery. You may not sue me for any reason, ever, and this disclaimer is subject to change without notice, and you are still subject to the rules regardless of any changes made. If you do not agree with these rules, then don't send me hate mail.
Posted on 12:01 AM by Esquire-Nizzle and filed under | 0 Comments »

Finals Funnies

fail owned pwned pictures

Okay, finals start next week and I should be able to keep things updated after that. Until then, allow me to offer up these intriguing links for your laughing pleasure......

Are you into Irish folklore? After this you will be.

If you can't stand David Blaine, these will have you in hysterics. Click here, then here and finally here.

This is an oldie, but a goodie. You like R&B? You will love "Chocolate Rain".

I know everyone gets sick of all the "Single Ladies" videos posted on YouTube. However, if you are curious as to what it looks like with a mix of Insane Clown Posse, Beyonce' and mental retardation, click here.

Want to see FAILures on all levels? Check out this site.

And I can't leave without weighing in on something that has really disturbed me for months. The Chris Brown/Rihanna situation bothered me so much that it was the subject of an essay I wrote last semester (of course, I got an A++).

.

Role Model? REALLY!?!?! This prick got off so easy it is unreal. There is no excuse for what this man did. A MAN SHOULD NEVER HIT A WOMAN UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES! (Amy Winehouse excluded) For those of you that think he is sincere....what did you think he was gonna say? "Did you see how bad I smacked that Bitch up, YO!" "That trick had it coming to her." Gimme a break. Chris Brown is a douche and will always be a douche. Don't become the part of the society that will glorify this piece of shit! He should be incarcerated TODAY. What's that? He's famous? Oh your right. Maybe him and Kobe can make an album together!

Posted on 2:57 PM by Esquire-Nizzle and filed under , , , | 0 Comments »

Gummy Bears suck!

Posted on 4:05 PM by Esquire-Nizzle and filed under | 0 Comments »

LMAO!!!!!

Posted on 12:55 PM by Esquire-Nizzle and filed under | 0 Comments »

Photoshop anyone?

As most of you may know, I am un-employed and a full-time student. In my spare time however, I do a lot of graphic design, photoshop work, as well as video editing/producing. If you ever need a hand, please don't hesitate to give me a shout! Please look at these photoshop pics of my friends in Finding Jimmy Hoffa!


Also, here is an example of my video work.


Posted on 12:08 AM by Esquire-Nizzle and filed under , , , | 0 Comments »

What a Week !!!!!



The King of Pop dies! Holy cow! I think, no matter what the guy did or didn't do in his personal life, he is the greatest pop icon EVER! Dirty Diana is one of the greatest songs ever made! This man was famous for 40 of his 50 years. Irregardless, someone will miss him.

Burger King has unleashed a new sandwich. Check out the new BK SUPER SEVEN INCHER. I hope someone in particular at Flis Enterprises falls backwards on to one of these.

Perez Hilton got what he deserved. The only thing I found negative in this story is that the headline didn't read "Esquire.I.Am Knocks a Bowel-Movement Out of Uber-Douche!" Perez should learn that you CANNOT call a black man a fag and not expect consequences and repercussions! (as a side note, this story brought tears of joy to my eyes)

Ed McMahon dies and I never got my check. Ed was a classy Kat and I will never forget seeing him and Johnny Carson on the Tonight Show as a child. He's kicking it with the two greatest J.C.'s ever!

My former band, SufferKate, is preparing to release their full-length CD, Beautiful Disease, on July the 25, 2009. There will be a CD release party at Downtown Music in Little Rock featuring SufferKate, Finding Jimmy Hoffa, Playing With Karma and others. I have designed new t-shirts that are currently available at shows or you get them through me. Send me an e-mail here. Check the site to hear some of the new music and check out the shirts.

I have been commissioned by a great band of great friends to shoot and produce a music video to one of their songs. Shooting will take place over the next month to a month and a half and my bestest bud Patrick is directing it. The band is Finding Jimmy Hoffa and the song is "Rain Will Fall". Give it a listen and let them know what you think.

Farrah Fawcett dies. Breaks my heart the way she went out. I loved Farrah in her Charlie's Angels days. Who doesn't remember this?

And last but not least, Chris Brown went to court for the beatdown he put on Rihanna and pleaded guilty, and didn't receive one day in jail! What is wrong with this society? The prisons are full of weed smokers (not an endorsement) so we let a woman-beater out on the streets? That is so backwards! Chris Brown will be forced to, get this, pick weeds, wash firetrucks and maybe pick up a little trash. You got off easy PLAYA! Maybe one day, someone will give you the Perez Hilton treatment. Chris Brown, you SUCK and you will answer for what you did someday. Or maybe Rihanna.
Posted on 8:02 PM by Esquire-Nizzle and filed under , , , , , , , , , , , | 0 Comments »

Everyone knows how I feel about Burger King (an update)


For those of you that have followed my Burger King drama over the past 3 months, you know my feelings about the store located on Olive Street in Pine Bluff. After much conversation and research, I discovered who the actual owners of that Burger King were and I gave them a call. I was told that the matter would be resolved and I asked for a return e-mail or phone call just to say, "Mr. Baker, all is well. The matter has been taken care of." I never received that e-mail or call. That leads me to the events of this week. I received an e-mail from a gentleman employed by Flis Enterprises (the owners of many Central Arkansas Burger King locations) that had come across my update blog post and after I proceeded with a verbal beatdown in response to his blog comments, it was discovered that he really wanted to help. I never wanted, as many had thought, for the BK Corp. to give me free food for life or anything of that nature. I merely wanted someone to address the lack of courtesy one receives while visiting this restaurant. After my initial blog I received many comments, e-mails, etc. from people that felt the same as I. I felt we were owed an answer. The gentleman that contacted me is a "higher-up" in Flis Enterprises and we spoke for about an hour today on the way customers are treated at that BK. He assured me it was being shown its proper attention and I took him to be sincere. I truly enjoyed our conversation and I think if BK, in general, had more like him, it would make a difference. The moral of my story is, as cynical and deliberate as I can be, I do realize that there are people out there that actually give a damn. To my new "Burger King" friend, it was a pleaseure and I hope you are able to change that which is wrong. To Reginicha, SUCK IT!!! You shall never have my respect. You made an impression on me that will follow you FOREVER.
Posted on 10:04 PM by Esquire-Nizzle and filed under , , , , | 14 Comments »

Just when I get excited.............

When I heard of the reported "torture" that Spencer Pratt and Heidi Pratt were receiving on the TV show "I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Outta Here", I got as excited as Kirstie Alley upon hearing Little Debbie was coming out with a new snack cake. As I read further and further, it was clear to me that it was just another case of these two being uber-douchbags! Heidi Pratt was hospitalized in Costa Rica this past weekend for a stomach infection after she and her husband, Spencer, were sent to an isolation chamber as part of the reality competition I'm a Celebrity ... Get Me Out of Here! Spencer's sister, Stephanie, claimed via Twitter that Heidi had been "locked in a dark room for 3 days with no food." She later told E! News that bugs were lowered in through the roof and onto the couple in the pitch black. "They treated them like they were criminals or terrorists," Stephanie Pratt said. (In a way they are like douchebag terrorists right? I'm scared to death of 'em!) Heidi and Spencer's isolation experience was videotaped in full and will be detailed during Monday's special two-hour episode — as will the couple's overall fate with the show. I hope they don't get voted off. Maybe they can get a little more "torture". God bless........these 2 suck! This is just another case of these ass-goblins trying to get a little exposure. They have got to be a part of everything! Can't wait for assisted-suicide to become cool again!

Posted on 12:33 PM by Esquire-Nizzle and filed under , , , , , , , | 1 Comments »

You might not be a Slipknot Fan, but you gotta love the energy they bring!

The Blister Exists



Psychosocial



Joey Jordison Drum Solo

Posted on 1:48 PM by Esquire-Nizzle and filed under | 0 Comments »

I wasn't gonna, but now it is a must.


I must start off by clarifying that the only reason I watch this show is because Mary watches it and I choose to sit through it with her. Never really cared until now. For those that are not in the "know", this happy "douchebag" couple is Jon and Kate Gosselin, the stars of the TLC hit "Jon & Kate plus 8." It has been reported over the past few months of Jon's alleged infidelity to his wife. I WILL NEVER ATTEMPT TO JUSTIFY THIS. So no beating me over the head for my views please. Jon has had his picture taken with Deanna Hummel, a 23 year old school teacher, outside of a local bar. There are many other photos like this, this and this but they leave me wondering about his decision making abilities more than his cheating heart. Married men should not be photographed with "strange" women driving their brand new Nissan 350z Nismo. Never. And there is a video swimming on the web of what is supposedly Jon leaving Deanna's house early one morning. That video is horrible. That could be John F. Kennedy as far as I know. I really do believe that Jon is "throwing his newspaper onto Deanna's front porch" if you follow me, but he is not the only person to cast stones at. Kate Gosselin, by what I have gathered by watching the show, is a straight jacket fitting session shy of the Sunnybrook Mental Institution. And overbearing. She treats Jon like a child. A better name for the show would be Kate plus 9! According to reports that I read yesterday, Kate used to give Jon a $5 daily allowance. WTF? He is a grown ass man! $5? He must have spent a lot of time at Arby's or Subway because that is all you can do with $5 dollars! It was also stated that when they sextuplets were born, they were given a 14 passenger van, to which Kate never thanked the donor and traded the van in because she didn't like the burgundy color paint job. I mean, you could go on forever with the way she treats Jon on national TV, her O.C.D. and the rumor of her affair with her security guard. No one but them know the truth. Jon.........a douchebag! Kate stated that during filming for their show that Jon wasn't around because it was Jon's weekend off. WEEKEND OFF? You have 8 kids PLAYER! You are NEVER off! Kate..........a douchebag! She even came out on the season premiere and admitted that she had been too hard on Jon over the course of their marriage and that she regretted it. I know the ladies are gonna blast me for that, but if it was Jon talking down to her like that on national TV.........there would be issues. I really do not pity either one of them. The kids are the ones that are going to suffer. There is going to be a massive case of "CHILD STAR SYNDROME" sweep through that household sooner or later. I hope this family the best, but this debacle will go nowhere fast. No matter your opinions, they both are wrong and need to do an episode with Chuck Norris where he roundhouse kicks the shit out of both of them to get them back on track!
Posted on 8:04 AM by Esquire-Nizzle and filed under , , , | 0 Comments »

Carlos Zambrano is one of the MAIN reasons I LOVE THE CUBS! Gotta love his PASSION!

The Cubs pitching ace has always been very passionate about the game and today was no different. After a questionable play at home plate he went on a CLASSIC rampage. Lou Pinella should be proud. Enjoy the MELTDOWN!
Posted on 10:41 PM by Esquire-Nizzle and filed under , , , | 0 Comments »

"Hello Pot........It's the Kettle calling."

For those of you that have been following this whole Miss USA, or more appropriately, Miss California debacle, I think it has gotten a little (dare I say) out of hand. I was trying to stay away and not voice any concerns until I read today that Shanna Moakler resigned as the Miss California Pageant Director.

To catch anyone who does not know about this up, I will briefly give you a sequence of events. On April 19, Carrie Prejean was named the runner-up in the Miss USA pageant. During the pageant, she was asked a question by the King Douche of the World, Perez Hilton, regarding her views of same-sex marriage. She stated that she believed that marriage should be between a man and a woman, igniting a cultural debate. Then a few pictures surfaced of her in her panties with one revealing a nipple-slip. Many felt that she should have her Miss California crown removed. Why? For speaking her opinion? For taking a few pics that showed her beauty? I just don't get it. Pageant officials say she violated her contract by lobbying on behalf of an anti-gay marriage group. What if her answer would have been the other way around? Would that have violated her contract or FULFILLED it? Is there a motive here? I believe the same that she does and could care less what others do in their own time. I love my GORGEOUS WIFE and that is how I roll. Then today.............

........Shanna Moakler resigns her job as the Miss California Pageant Director because...

"I cannot with a clear conscious move forward supporting and promoting the Miss Universe Organization when I no longer believe in it, or the contracts I signed committing myself as a youth," she continues. "I want to be a role model for young women with high hopes of pageantry, but now feel it more important to be a role model for my children. I am sorry and hope I have not let any young supporters down but wish them the best of luck in fulfilling their dreams."

That is the POT CALLING THE KETTLE BLACK of the year!!!!! Wasn't Shanna Moakler the December 2001 Playmate of the Month? Role Model and Shanna Moakler need not ever be used in the same sentence. "High hopes of pageantry"? Does that lead to high hopes of pornography? What exactly are you protesting here? Your on/off relationship with Travis Barker is INSANE! Maybe Miss California could offer you some marital advice!

And before I forget. Perez Hilton. That was the greatest attempt ever at character assassination. That question was baited like a 50 foot trotline. She would have caught flak no matter how she answered it. It just wasn't the way you wanted it answered. I applaud Carrie Prejean for being honest. I mean, Perez kinda did her a favor. Can you tell me who WON the Miss America pageant? Didn't think so. All I know, I think Perez Hilton should......

1) Shut the fuck up!
2) Stop acting like the huge Diva he is
3) Stop trying to attack people's character
&
4) Pick on someone more his level. i.e. Shanna Moakler
Posted on 12:05 AM by Esquire-Nizzle and filed under | 1 Comments »

Just go here and check it out.......

Pray For Hillis
This is a site about my friend Ashlee Hillis, and the journey she is about to embark upon. Please keep her in your thoughts and prayers. If you can help with any type of monetary contribution, please do so. (There are links on her website.)
Posted on 10:57 AM by Esquire-Nizzle and filed under | 0 Comments »

MudFest (EDGEFEST) 2009



These pictures sum it all up!

Mother Nature was a bitch for all that planned on attending this event. The day started out around 12:00 for me, in Little Rock. Patrick and I headed out for what was sure to be good times. After a last minute stop at Wal-Mart and a Dollar-Menuairre shopping spree, we headed to the show. We were held up in traffic for an hour and a half when Patrick realized he had left the tickets at the house. We learned as we left that a severe thunderstorm was in the area and they were not letting people in the gates. Anyways, we headed back, got the tickets, and went back to the venue. Thanks to my Mario Andretti-esque driving skills, we were able to jump ahead in traffic by a good 2~3 miles. When we got to Faulkner Lake Road, we were informed that parking was no longer available at the venue. We parked under the I-440 overpass and got to steppin'. We walked about 2 miles to get to the gate and as soon as we got there it was evident why parking had been shut down. The field was soooooo muddy, everyone was getting stuck. Patrick and I immediately found Jeff Cage, who had our passes, and proceeded to the stage. We got there just as Hurt was going on. The guys from Hurt, knowing the show was badly delayed due to weather, cut there set short to get things back on track and later announced they would play for free Sunday Night at The Rev Room for EdgeFest ticket holders! What a CLASSY move! MAD RESPECT! Pat and I had the opportunity to visit with Aaron Lewis from Staind for a while and decided that he is a pretty stand-up kat. Drowning Pool, Chevelle & Staind kicked mucho ass. Then Slipknot! HOLY SHIT! The knocked it out the park on the first song, (sic). The show ended up being, for the most part, great. The weather did not cooperate at all, but that you cannot control. I want to say "Thank You" to my homeboy Patrick for the V.I.P. hook-up. It's not everyday you get to stand on stage with the likes of that many great bands. I had a great time and can't wait to do it again.
Posted on 1:10 AM by Esquire-Nizzle and filed under | 2 Comments »

WTF?????

fail owned pwned pictures
see more pwn and owned pictures
Posted on 9:14 PM by Esquire-Nizzle and filed under | 2 Comments »

In case you have trouble deciding........

Posted on 10:02 AM by Esquire-Nizzle and filed under | 1 Comments »

Anybody want to get their Angry on?


Friends, those who already know help me out here. On Saturday night, June 20th, The Anger Mis-Management Comedy tour will be making a stop at Eden Park in Pine Bluff. Their will be 4 comedians at this show and you can see them all for just $10. The Headlining comedian for the show will be none other than my friend and the Voice of the Angry Revolution, ANGRY PATRICK!!! (check out Patrick's blog in Sync Weekly here.) The host for the evening will be Michael "Doc" Davis and you will also get the winner of the first annual Arkansas' Funniest Person Contest, Chucky D. The fourth comedian will have to be a surprise. Tickets for these shows go fast, so I wanna give you a little heads up. Currently, there are 2 means by which you can get your tickets. They are as follows:

1). Send me an e-mail. I have tickets at the house I would gladly deliver or mail to anyone, anywhere. If you prefer this method please send me an e-mail to matthewesquire@gmail.com and leave me a number that I can contact you, and we will make arrangements.

2). At the bottom of this post is a link that will send you to Patrick's PayPal and you can order the tickets there. Same applies to this method. I will mail or deliver them to you.

As a resident of Woodlawn and a homeboy, born and bred in Pine Bluff, I realize there is not much to do around here. All that will change on June 20th. THIS IS THE REAL DEAL PEOPLE!!! This will beat a night at Bad Bob's or All-Star any day of the week. $10/4 comedians. I encourage all of you to tell your friends and get your tickets NOW. The show is already sold 1/3 of the way out and seating is limited. Don't wait.




Posted on 10:15 PM by Esquire-Nizzle and filed under | 0 Comments »

Chainsaw (remix)

Okay. After the huge response I received to the posting of the timeless classic, Chainsaw, I received this little ditty in my e-mail. I must warn you that this is not safe for children, not safe for work and hell to be totally honest, you probably shouldn't listen to it! Don't send hate mail. Enjoy. Chainsaw (remix)
video
Posted on 10:02 PM by Esquire-Nizzle and filed under | 0 Comments »

Nate Hatfield Update.


This update was posted this morning on the Facebook group page. Remember to keep Nate in your prayers. Things are getting better for this young man. Still, remember that you can make monetary donations to this family through a PayPal account that has been set up. The PayPal site is here. Do what you can.

"I spoke with David earlier and he said that Nate is doing awesome!! His brain is back down to within normal limits so they have taken the bolt out of his head that was monotoring the intercranial pressure. They are slowly taking him off of the medication so he can wake up; they are also taking him off of the Morphine and putting him on something less addictive. The neurologist thinks he may be able to skip the neuro floor and go straight to rehab if he continues at this progress! David and his mother-in-law both said it is a miracle. I know it is because all of the prayers!!!!"

David STRESSED how thankful he is for all that the community has done for them.
Posted on 9:53 AM by Esquire-Nizzle and filed under | 1 Comments »

Haters and Gravy........

Okay, it appears that Debbie and Mary did not get it the first time, when myself and Patrick proved our Incredible Man skills by laying down a "brutal" verbal smack down. They should realize that "taunting" is a manly sport, not to be entered into without caution. Let Round 2 begin. Click on Debbie and Mary's new official logo to see what they are up to now. If you are a Facebooker, feel free to join in, but be warned, all are fair game.

Posted on 8:33 PM by Esquire-Nizzle and filed under | 0 Comments »

Douche and Douchier


Okay, so Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag, aka The Dynamic Doucho, were photographed wearing these attractive little ditties while at the airport after returning from Cabo San Lucas. How much you wanna bet it was Spencer's idea? He's such a complete waste of space on this earth. But I digress. According to Spencer's Twitter page, the couple started wearing the mask while in Mexico recording Heidi's music video "Sex Ed." The fact that that someone is actually giving that attention whore a recording contract is amazing in it's self. I mean these two were surely the only United States citizens at LAX walking around with these masks. Why? For attention. That's Michael Jackson and the Japanese's job to wear the facial underpants. I was actually excited when I saw this picture though. I thought, "Wow! Now that they are wearing these masks, maybe the rest of the world will not be infected with their DOUCHE-iticulitis or their DOUCHE-enoma. What a thoughtful act." Then I found out they were actually trying to reduce THEIR chances of contracting the swine flu. Spencer and Heidi, if you want the attention and fame, take the masks off, go back to Mexico and breeeaaaatth reeeaaaaallll DEEEEEP! Then maybe you could go down in history as the first washed-up, nutjob, psedo-famous, celebrity wannabe douchebags to contract swine flu. That my friends would make you ICONS!!!!
Posted on 1:39 PM by Esquire-Nizzle and filed under | 1 Comments »

Hatfield/Carroll Family Prayer Fund

Nate Hatfield of Woodlawn, an 8 year old classmate of my daughter Gracie, and his grandmother, Libby Carroll, were in an automobile accident Tuesday, April 28, 2009. Apparently, Mrs. Carroll pulled out in front of a log truck heading north on Highway63. Mrs. Carroll was pronounced dead at the scene and went on to be with our Lord. While Little Nate is left fighting. Nate was transported to JRMC in Pine Bluff and later, that evening to Arkansas Children's Hospital. Nate is suffering from severe head trauma and injuries to his abdomen. We are here for prayer and updates for the family. Please feel free to leave any heart-warming messages or prayers that you would like. His mom and dad are David and Brandy Carroll. He has an older brother, Michael and a sister the same age, Emily. A PayPal account has been set up with all donations going directly to the family. To make a donation, click here.


Posted on 1:51 PM by Esquire-Nizzle and filed under | 7 Comments »

The War Rages On.....an update

Things have heated up yet again. Click here to see.
Posted on 3:53 PM by Esquire-Nizzle and filed under | 3 Comments »

The WAR rages on.........


Just click on the picture to see just what an Angry Comedian and my HOT wife have in common.
Posted on 3:06 PM by Esquire-Nizzle and filed under | 3 Comments »

WTFs? Of the Week!!!!!!

1) I am not a huge fan of Top 40 music; however, this morning I had to listen because my CD case was in my Jeep and I was in Mary's car and The Edge wouldn't come in......... Anyways.....Sunday is the day for the "Suck 40 Countdown" and as I was listening, the greatest mover of the week was a song called "Don't Trust Me" by a group called 3OH!3. After listening to that song, I realized that songwriters have now officially ran out of lyrics to put in songs. The phrase "Woo Ooh" is used 30 times during that song and the breakdown/bridge goes as follows, "Shush girl, shut your lips. Do the Helen Keller and talk with your hips." You know, I never reckoned Helen Keller as one that would spontaneously BUST A MOVE and TALK WITH HER HIPS. Who knew? WTF?????

2) Susan Boyle......oh Susan Boyle. What can I say? Homeboy can sing. But I actually give a shit if he has been kissed (which must be atrocious in itself). Homeboy got mad props from Simon Cowell as well as the other judges, but come on, I AM SICK OF HEARING ABOUT IT. Susan Boyle, you ROCK. Now let's move on. (ohhhh....that's a woman? My bad.) WTF?????

3) This weekend, 84 year old Ted Mazetier fought off 2 carjackers with his mad Grandpa Ninja skills. Immediately, I thought "What, were the carjackers 90 or something?", but surely they weren't, but what I know for sure is that they are total douchebizzles that wanted a thrill. How is the thrill of internet shame you pussies? Oh, and maybe later you can tell us all the shame of PRISON ASS RAPE!!! When you can let an 84 year old man whoop your ass............Pepaw Ted, you sir rule in my book and the world needs more like you. Hat's off to you. WTF?????

4) Want to see an epic battle in the making? Go here.

5) Not necessarily a WTF?????, but I want to thank everyone that has sent me Birthday well wishes and the Crew that stepped out for a great night this past Saturday to help me celebrate. Debbie made me the most awesome cake I never got to eat! My friends have always made me feel like a Champ and Saturday was no different. Mary provided for me the means for such a great time and for that I must say "Thanks." I love you, Boo!

I will post more next week, as Finals will allow. Wish me luck! I will now leave you with this.
Posted on 9:34 AM by Esquire-Nizzle and filed under | 1 Comments »

That's ME !!

Now I get e-mails from Burger King supporters saying I hide behind my computer and talk shit & people don't know who I am. Here I am bitches. Don't like it? Don't read it!
Posted on 3:55 PM by Esquire-Nizzle and filed under | 7 Comments »

Burger King Update Part DEUCE!!!!!

As everyone is very well aware of now, I FUCKING LOVE BURGER KING! About as much as you like listening to Chainsaw! However, I digress. This is short and sweet. I have now obtained an Inside Source that is giving/has gave me info on how I might get this issue the attention it deserves. Kuddos to my new "BEST FRIEND." I'm persistent if nothing else! Look for COURTESY coming to a Burger King near you. By the way, Please encourage your friends, clients, family and children (maybe not children) to follow this blog. I'm trying to blow up like Perez Hilton! I will be PIMPez Hilton! (Thanks Anthony) And keep your eyes posted for my upcoming music video, "ESQUIRE CHAINSAW MASSACRE." (Bizzle....You rock friend) Also, I will be celebrating my birthday this Saturday Night at West End in Little Rock starting aroun 7:30 and anybody that would like to come..........I would be glad to see! Hope Reginicha can make it! I will be turning 34 (again).

-Esquizzle
Posted on 3:29 PM by Esquire-Nizzle and filed under | 0 Comments »

THE MOTHERLOAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posted on 3:23 PM by Esquire-Nizzle and filed under | 0 Comments »

"Don't Stop to you Get Enough...."

Posted on 9:09 AM by Esquire-Nizzle and filed under | 3 Comments »

CHAINSAW MUTHA FU@#$%!!!!!

Posted on 2:14 PM by Esquire-Nizzle and filed under | 3 Comments »

If You are from Pine Bluff, you gotta read this....

I was just going through a few YouTube videos when I came across this. This is what Pine Bluff has pretty much become. This video sickened me. And the people responsible for posting are actually PROUD of what occurred. PROUD of the video. You are part of the problem ma'am. How about doing something positive with your spare time. You SUCK!!!
Posted on 7:51 AM by Esquire-Nizzle and filed under | 3 Comments »

Get Your Link On!!!!

Greetings to all. Let's end the week with a bang shall we? Here are a few links for your enjoyment.

1) Saturday Night coming up and you got da blues? Laughter is the best medicine.

2) Want to help support Local Music? Especially SufferKate; my former bandmates? Take 30 seconds and go here.

3) Times are tough, but if you want to donate money to a great cause, visit here.

4) The Gays just screw everything up!!!

5) This has to be one of the greatest internet writers I have ever followed. If you are a Mac user, you won't like this!

Okay everyone, I hope you all have a great weekend. Regardless of what you do, BOYCOTT BURGER KING!!!!!!
Posted on 11:23 PM by Esquire-Nizzle and filed under | 2 Comments »

CLICK HERE AND CHECK OUT BURGER KING!!! IS THAT REGINICHA?

Kuddos to Beth Anderson for the Link. You know you have experienced this........
Posted on 11:58 AM by Esquire-Nizzle and filed under | 1 Comments »

You don't know what you are missing........

Alright everyone. It is time you all got prepared to get you laugh on. This Saturday night at Juanita's is the Final Round of the Arkansas' Funniest Person Contest. The Finalist are (in random order), Chucky D., Tommy Kelley and Jason Thompson. All of these guys did a wonderful job through the initial 2 rounds which is what landed them in the finals. Having judged the First Round personally with Jennifer Trafford and Stacey Mack, I have seen first hand the incredible skills these guys bring to the fold. Chucky D will amaze you with his views on such subjects as marriage, divorce, family and just everyday live. He is very animated and his facial expressions alone will have you in stitches! Tommy Kelley is a Bon-a-fied Country-fied redneck to the third power! His views on politics, and how they influenced his upbringing, are classic. He has been known from time-to-time to pull out a guitar and serenade the audience with his satirical songs. Jason Thompson is a very "cerebral" comedian. As Patrick put it, "he will hit you with joke grenades that take a second but then devastate you!".

You can't go any further without addressing the two geniuses that brought this event to the masses. Michael "Doc" Davis and Patrick Beam aka "Angry Patrick" have turned an idea that was being tossed around in conversations back in August/ September of last year to an event that has seen people denied entry due to "Capacity Limits". Patrick and I were outside talking during an intermission on the night of the First Round and he asked me the question......"Who would have thought a couple of geeks like me and Doc could have pulled this off?" At the time, I had no answer. Looking back and knowing Patrick the way I do.............EVERYBODY knew him and Doc could pull it off. Kuddos to the both of you for bringing such a worthwhile event to the masses. Can't wait for Arkansas' Funniest Person 2.0.

Which brings me to this, all Pine Bluff-ians should know that the Anger Mis-Management Comedy Tour will be making a stop in Pine Bluff at Eden Park Country Club, Saturday, June 20th. The tour will bring you, Michael "Doc" Davis as your host, Chucky D as your featured act and Angry Patrick will be your headliner. Currently, tickets are not available for on-line sale; however, tickets can be purchased directly through me. Tickets are $10. You can contact me

Via cell phone..........(870) 370-1362
E-Mail......................matthewesquire@gmail.com

or through this blog. This event is already one-third of the way sold out , so it is urgent that you go ahead and secure your tickets. Tell your friends about this great event that is coming to Pine Bluff. Let's show them Little Rock folk that we can have fun too!

-Esquire-nizzle
Posted on 3:46 PM by Esquire-Nizzle and filed under | 5 Comments »

Burger King Update.


So, Sunday night, I'm on Facebook chatting with a friend and he informs me he knows the Owner of the particular Burger King in question. He immediately produces addresses, phone numbers, blood type, everything. So Monday, while struggling with my toothache issues, I decided to give DOMINICK FLIS at FLIS ENTERPRISES a phone call. I was unable to get in touch with him and left a message saying "I have a complaint and it is URGENT that you call me back." Still haven't heard from him.
I called this afternoon and spoke with Mary Colvert, who I assume handles all the complaints for Flis Enterprises. I voiced my complaint and when it was all said and done..................SHE OFFERS ME A WHOPPER VALUE MEAL to make ammends. You got to be shitting me. I don't want to go back to the mot**r fucker period. Why would I take that free meal coupon back to the same place so Reginicha can spit on it and treat me and my family like shit? She assures me this will receive attention and I honestly believe it will. To what extent.............one can only guess. Burger King says I can have it my way right? All I want is my food with a side of courtesy. EXTRA COURTESY would be great as well. If you have been treated wrongly while visiting your local Burger King, I would e-mail Mary Colvert at Flis Enterprises. mary.colvert@flisent.com She would be honored, I feel quite sure, to help you any way she can. As for Reginicha..................The saga continues. IT AIN'T OVER. Haven't got satisfaction .....YET!
Posted on 3:27 PM by Esquire-Nizzle and filed under | 29 Comments »

BURGER KING SUCKS!!!!!



Okay. So we all have horror stories of bad fast-food experiences. About a month ago, I had a bad experience which prompted me to create a Facebook Group to promote Courtesy and bring awareness to the lack thereof. That was my way of "Putting it to the man" so to speak. I realized that was not the best approach, but, it seemed reasonable at the time. That brings me to tonight. So, everyone still in, or around Pine Bluff knows that there just isn't alot to do. Everyone knows of the joys of visiting Wal-Mart and the release on your psyche when leaving. Wal-Mart leaves me "mentally exausted". But, I digress. So when we leave Wal-Mart tonight, Mary and I decided to drive through at Burger King and get some eats. As I have a toothache at the moment, I decided on the greatest contribution to the Burger King menu, the BK Mocha Joe. Mary ordered a burger, fries & drink and a kids meal for Max. (Gracie had been to the movies with a friend and had already ate.) I failed to mention that actually ordering our food was an event in itself. The women repeated our order back like three times before all parties were in agreement. So, as we get to the window, the women tells us our total and Mary paid with her debit card. When we get to the next window to pick up our food, the women shovels our food out at us and closes the window. Mary waits until the retardinated waitress opens the window back up and tells her "We had drinks." At that time she informs us that they "Don't have some mocha." Are you fucking kidding me? Anyway, they want to refund our money and Mary says, "I paid with a debit card." Mind you, the manager was at the window. When Mary said that she huffed, threw her arms down and stomped off. The girl at the window asked could we please pull forward and they would bring it out. At that point I was about to loose all my marbles, but Mary, the "yen" to my "yang", said just stay cool. We pull up and wait about 5 minutes, which is the worst thing that could have happened. So, I got out of the car and go in to get my tasty beverage, and the girl at the front counter says, no shit, "What do you want?" I said, " MY FUCKING MOCHA JOE!" and they immediately handed it to me. It was just sitting there. If I hadn't went in, I might still be in the parking lot waiting for it.
Now we have left and have passed the I-530 interchange and Mary asks me to hand her her fries. Guess what. That's right. NO FRIES. So we turn around and go back and I went in and the manager asked me what I needed. I showed her my receipt and told her I didn't get my fries. So she rolls her eyes, and proceeds to get me my fries. I asked her if for sure she was the manager and she said yes. If it had been someone else I would have considered talking to them; however, since she seemed to be setting the example for that store, what could she have offered me in terms of reasoning? I got her name, REGINICHA. Say that on three times real fast. and decided I will make a couple of phone calls Monday.
Which brings me to the next fuck-up. Somewhat content, we are almost halfway home when Max has finished his kids meal. Like all kids do after eating a KIDS MEAL, he asks for his toy. Guess what. That's right, no toy. I could not believe it. There were 20 employees in that restaurant and they could not properly deliver a kids meal, a whopper combo and a Mocha Joe. not one mistake, but three. I guess for every $4 I spent I was entitled to an error.
As for Reginicha, you ma'am can kiss my ass. People, whether they admit it or, look to/for leadership. If I followed her example, I would be twice the asshole I am today. I will cut a teenager working part-time some slack because they have to learn proper things they might not have got at home once they are in the working sector. Reginicha however, is the last person I would want teaching my kids SHIT! Reginicha, I know you prolly spit in my Mocha Joe before I walked in and could really give a shit about the woes you caused me, and you might have even laughed a little. Just so you know, the last laugh will be mine. Act like you give a shit. IT DOES MATTER & IT WILL CATCH ON WITH OTHERS. By the way, if you hate your job that much, do us all a favor, QUIT. You epitomize the word "cunt", and for that you should be ashamed.
Posted on 9:44 PM by Esquire-Nizzle and filed under | 10 Comments »

Pimps Up, Hoes Down



So, Patrick and I have have these dialogues on a regular basis where we start a play on words with a single word. Recently, we chose the word "PIMP" as our word. The following is a complete breakdown of a texting war that lasted for about an hour. Feel free to comment or add your own special contribution to our fun.
Patrick: Are you the Great Pimp-kin?
Matt: Dr. Pimp-vorkian.
Patrick: Ren and Pimpy
Matt: Just ate at Subway. Ordered extra cheese. You KNOW what kind?
Patrick: Pimperjack
Matt: U know it
Patrick: LMAO!
Matt: My favorite soda is a Dr. Pimper
Patrick: That rox! Did you know Beckett wears Pimpers Supreme?
Matt: LMAO!
Matt: My ancestors were pimpanzees.
Patrick: LMFAO!
Patrick: Beckett's clothes come from that store at the mall. Pymporee
Patrick: Remember that Don Knotts movie, The Pimpit?
Matt: When I traveled to Australia, I saw a duckbill platyapimp.
Patrick: Best yet.
Matt: U like dat?
Patrick: Hell yeah pimplestilskin
Matt: Watching Channel 7 and that douche, Jason Pimperson.
Patrick: Took a part-time job. I'm a pimporary.
Matt: Had a brain injury. Fuct up my pimporal lobe.
Patrick: Do you like that band The Pimptations?
Matt: Me and you are alot alike. We must had been formed from the same pimplate.
Patrick: I just ordered a Quarter Pimper
Matt: Obama reads his speeches off of a telepimpter
Patrick: If your Caddy breaks down you will be a pimpdestrian.
Matt: Good thing I got my Nike Pimp-Force One's.
Patrick: I'm McPimpin' it!
Matt: Do you not like Pimper King?
Patrick: My radio is bumpin'. Red Hot Chili Pimpers.
Patrick: No, I like subs from Pimpies
Matt: What Chili Pimpers Song? Love Pimpercoaster?
Patrick: Just got ripped off. My sack is full of pimps and seeds!
Matt: I'm watching a show on TV about the Knights Pimplar.
Patrick: My favorite cartoon is Pimpeye.
Patrick: Do you drive a Jeep Pimpler?
Patrick: I just watched Pimpformers.
Matt: With Optimus Pimp?
Matt: And Shia Le'Pimp?
Patrick: It also starred John Pimpturo.
Patrick: I watched an old tennis match with Pimpy McEnroe.
Patrick: Rap star, Pimpenem
Matt: Sorry, I was gone for a min. Had to fix Max some Pimpamin Toast Crunch.
Patrick: I like Frosted Pimpy Wheats
Matt: Do you have a pimpas tree in your office?
Patrick: Nope. Spent our budget on compimpers.
Matt: U going to see the new Pimpinator movie?
Patrick: More excited about Harry Pimper and the Half Blood Pimp
Matt: Been listening to Pimp-tallica.
Matt: Do you like pimpmento cheese sandwiches?

Posted on 10:00 PM by Esquire-Nizzle and filed under | 6 Comments »

Fuckin' Rent-A-Cops !!!!!! Geez.

Most of you know that I can be a little sarcastic and a little smart-assed at times; however, deep down I am a nice and respectful guy. And Dog-Gonnit.......people like me. I try to always follow the rules and be respectful of others. Then today. So I am in between classes smoking outside when "Mr. Top Flight Security of the World" comes up and tells me I can't smoke where I was standing. I was only standing where I do EVERYDAY! 25 feet from the door is law and I was like 26 at least. Anyway to save the drama I put it out and went about my business. After class, before lab, me and some friends decided we would go out and have a cigarrette before "bone discussions". (No that is not another Mark Ballas reference) While outside, I noticed the security guard eye-fucking me and I told my friends, "Let's go stand in the parking lot before the Smoke Nazi gets us." So while we are smoking he walks up and asks, " Whose back-pack is that up there?" It was Chrystal's. There is a sidewalk from the parking lot into the building about 30 feet long and 7 feet wide. Her bag was near the parking lot, half on the sidewalk, half on the grass, and he told her she needed to go move it. WTF????!!!! He said if there was an emergency it would be in the way, to which I responded with, "They need to use the other 6 1/2 foot of sidewalk to do what they need to do then." At that instant, I think homeboy had a mild stroke. I could have talked about his momma and he wouldn't have took it as bad. Needless to say, we pushed it until we had one of the head dudes at SEARK involved. We argued our case, homeboy tried to flex his nutz, and when it was all over.........WE WON! I know it was a small battle but, it was our battle to fight. I mean, usually I stand outside with the other security guards and smoke or whatever, and they are relaxed. They don't frisk me when I reach for my lighter. I respect the fact homeboy has a job to do; however, if anyone wanted to steal a car or whatever.........he won't be around. He has bigger fish to fry. (i.e. fuck-up my smoke break). I hope homeboy's batteries run out in his flashlight (or something else very scary for security guards) happens to this guy. You Sir are a douche!
Posted on 2:10 PM by Esquire-Nizzle and filed under | 3 Comments »

So I finally give in now this?

So guys. This year, I hate to say, I started watching Dancing With The Stars. I caught a little bit of last season because I dig Warren Sapp. I tell everyone (i.e. my wife) I watch it for the sheer greatness of the dancing. I tell everyone else I watch it because there is some hot azz to be seen every episode. I know I am not the only one who feels this way. Now I find out that the main reason for watching that show is leaving. I just found out that Julianne Hough is not returning next season. In a quote from FoxNews she stated, "I will be taking next season off," adding that she'll be busy touring and bringing out the "real" Julianne Hough. Now that the disappointment has set in, I guess I will have to resort to pay TV again for my eyecandy. And what does she mean the "real" Julianne? I don't know if I could contain myself. Anyway, so long as they don't get rid of Mark Ballas.........I can still get my share of PG-porn. Thanks ABC!
Posted on 11:00 PM by Esquire-Nizzle and filed under | 3 Comments »